GROCERY SCENES

After another annoying coupon debacle this morning I am forced to surrender to the grocery gods. Yes, you are more powerful and your rules are sufficiently obscure and impossible for most people. You seem benevolent and helpful as we merrily clip our "coups" and try to slide them into a cashier's hands, a smile on our faces, a song in our hearts. Soon our spirits are sent plummeting and we stand embarrassed by our inability to follow the directions and play the game, while the cashier smirks and marks down another point in their insane game of Gotcha. No doubt money is wagered and useless coupons displayed by the register jockeys like tiny colorful trophies.

Basically the rules are simple. Our job is to try to spend as little as possible. Theirs is to tempt you to buy products that you would not normally purchase in order to save money you wouldn't have spent anyway except YOU HAD A COUPON! See how the game goes? Point, game and match to the store. Yes I know there are coupon Queens and Kings who are actually "PAID" to spend money in the store. These people are not real. Even without a Finance degree I believe the stores would actually not be solvent if they allowed the "players" to win more than they wagered. The house always wins.

However it is fun to watch these experts in action. They wait until the groceries are beeped and bagged. As the eager hands reach out for the cash, the players present them with 100 separate coupons which leads to the hilarious game of bag scramble. That is, the baggies and cashies must frantically sort through the jars of yogurt, soup cans and bread to assure each item is in the proper sequence, amount and, no doubt color required. This is usually punctuated by the inevitable public address system announcement "Can I get a price check on the foot fungus medical pads and KY Intensive Sensation?" This is often repeated for maximum effect and embarrassment. The veterans stand their ground, a little smile on their faces. They refuse to accept the attempt at shopper abuse. Revenge is extracted however as the baggies quickly shove the bread to the bottom of the bag to be massacred by the heavier objects that follow.