HOSPITAL GOWNS ARE SILLY

Would anyone find humor in spending a longggg day in the outpatient area of a hospital entertaining someone who is about to undergo a scary procedure?  Well I would actually.  At least I was entertained as we discussed and giggled over the absurd process.  I have been accused of being heartless cracking wise when another loved one was going through childbirth, but that is another story. Though in my defense in my own childbirth adventure the Doc did ask the ceiling if I ever shut up and I totally remember stating that they needed some music to accompany the process along the lines of the "Volga Boat Song" - you know  Yo Ho Heave Ho. 

Originally scheduled for 3:30 the procedure was not begun until three hours after that. Having arrived at 1:30 as instructed my powers of distraction were tested, but I had help - from the patient! Like a well-oiled assembly line, patients are processed and banded to indicate to security they are to be returned if found escaping, err, wandering aimlessly around the parking lot. Sometimes under the influence of some really cool drugs I am guessing. Then we were whisked to another floor by a volunteer who waited after the original check-in to tell us what window to go to and then escorts us to the next check-in. These have to be volunteers as how would you compensate for basically being a human directional sign?

As patient advocate (cool, I have a title) I am summoned to check-in and instructed as to my duties - essentially entertaining the patient until zero hour and hanging around to take them home.  They frown on unaccompanied patients directing their own fates.  A heavy responsibility not to be taken lightly.  At least until I saw the next patient came in by himself so, so much for that moment of self-importance. I had been previously informed of both my patient's wishes and approved communications upon them possibly achieving a warm nirvana state and to quell curious questions by nosy people. Check and check.

After a long wait (45-60 minutes) while they "prepped" (tortured) the patient I was allowed in to scoff at their hospital dress and be regaled by their description of the indignities performed on their person. I won't go into details, but all procedures are geared to quench any form of rebellion or resistance to the people performing the procedure, Pretty much propriety is sacrificed in the name of efficiency.  Something about talking to someone in a backless hospital gown, crazy little slippers lounging on a recliner chair with tubes stuck in them just brings me to a high state of hilarity. I'm sick I know, but at least the patient did not focus on what was to come though I'm sure they thought maybe I should undergo the procedure if only to shut me up. 

At one point I remember discussing the shaving that comes with much surgery and our horror that the gentleman directly across from us (no curtain drawn) might be subjected to some type of grooming that would be facing us head on so to speak.  That made us laugh so loud I thought they were going to throw us out. But nurses and orderlies in the prep area (yeah just like a kitchen) just said you guys are having a good time.

The delay was so long, they actually closed down the prep area and had to move us to the recovery area.  In fairness, there was an emergency that came in who had to go first so the wait was totally understandable. We figured we'd have to quiet down as people were, ahem, recovering but alas the nurses in there were microwaving blueberry muffins and quite jolly and louder than us. Hospitals are like that - no one goes there to sleep. At one point my patient was getting noticeably cold so I went in search of a nurse and stated her lips are blue and before I could get out I need some warmed blankets, she goes "what, she quit breathing?" not terribly concerned.  I said no no just cold.  See what I mean? They were hilarious, well maybe not to everyone who doesn't feel good, but we enjoyed it.

Finally off our patient went after everyone was gone but our little party. They said an hour and a half so we went in search of food before the cafeteria closed. Yum hospital food-not always recognizable but always bad.  I stick to sandwiches & containerized yogurt from the cooler. After a bite and a seat outside until we warmed up-why do hospitals keep the temperature at 20 below - we went back to the waiting room and found everything closed and lights out.  UH OH.  Found the light switch and an orderly who said "can I help you?" I said waiting on our patient to be done (kitchen talk again) He says oh every one's gone from back there.  Ahh another UH OH. We did convince him to check again because see the patient is up there on the computer screen status "having the procedure" so if every one's gone she is apparently wielding the knife herself which should give us a break on the bill.

OK our patient is now outside the door - oh on a bed being pushed by the nurse- and off we go to a room so she can lay still for 2 HOURS.  Of course I was up for the challenge and we had another round of hysterical conversation between sips of orange juice which I will tell you is extremely difficult to deliver when someone is laying flat.  As she was such a good patient and we were obviously such good caretakers they reluctantly released her to our care and we all celebrated with chocolate shakes and malts the preferred "I've just had a medical procedure" reward.