UNFILLED MEMORIES

Some recent events triggered a wistful memory this week.  In the family a child was born and an elder passed away. The third reminder was a humorous suggestion from our daughter not to expect the same surprise on our 50th anniversary as she gave us on our 40th.  That is, the sonogram of our beloved grandson Joseph. Not happening, though I reminded her that her Mother got unexpectedly pregnant when she was older than her. 

But I can't blame those events alone as the unfilled memory is always there this time of year. If all had been right with the world and my baby-making abilities I would be celebrating the birthday of my second child who would have been 24 this summer.

Only in my life for a minute or months, "Peabody" never developed well enough to safely enter the world and chose wisely to forego the chance, leaving as they came - with emotion and tears. First with the startling news that I was pregnant at 44 and again, after I got used to the idea, dramatically leaving one night in a flood and pain.

 Our first little one followed the book taking the usual nine month incubation period and politely arriving one day before her due date after allowing Mom and Dad time to host their Christmas party. So why was the second so different? She was and is a joy so we were eagerly anticipating another perfect touchdown. Apparently someone had another plan. Although sitting up that night with Burt as a life drained away and later enduring the painful medical procedure finality, I think the worst was telling my girl that her little sibling was no more. We always had our best talks in the car-nobody looking at anybody and attention on other things less important if need be. I don't remember her saying anything but I could feel her hurt for me. 

I would mark milestones to the one that never was. Starting kindergarten when Kristen was graduating. A pretty little flower girl like her big sister or a cute ring bearer at Kristen's wedding. A teenage Uncle or Aunt to Kristen's son which both would have enjoyed immensely. Another child to keep us young in our golden years who understands technology! 

 

Of course life goes on with its mountains and valleys; laughter and sorrow; dramas and routines, we move on. But every summer I count my blessings of my beautiful daughter and grandson and offer a toast to the child (I always picture laughing) that waits for me in another place and time.